Daddyroy’s Lounge

A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would  like to buy some cyanide." 
 
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I would lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 

An old Jamaican lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives. A beautiful young woman gets in smelling of very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce."

The old lady with a deadpan ___expression says nothing.

Another young and beautiful woman smelling expensive, enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce" The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the combined perfumes.

One floor later, as the Jamaican lady approaches her destination, she quietly eases out a long silent gas, which quickly overpowers the combined expensive perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes.

As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says "Jamaican Calaloo, $15.00 a bundle".

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22″ was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Route 142."

1)
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards… One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,  "Now don't get mad at me…..I know we've been friends for a long time……but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
2)
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is,"
3)
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,  "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful.." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells,  "I'll come up and help both  of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
4)
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.  "She got in the back-seat by mistake.

Thought you all would like this wonderful fruitcake recipe - NO WAIT -   It's not like any recipe you've ever had for fruitcake - So read on!!! And enjoy!!!

1 Gallon whiskey
1 Cup water
1 Cup sugar
4 Large eggs
2 Cups dried fruit
1 Teaspoon salt
1 Cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup butter in a fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still top quality.
Try another tup.

Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner.

If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt Or something.
Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table Spoon Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed - who the heck likes fruitcake anyway!!!!

Jane was a wonderful woman. She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.  She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman, offering as his closing comment: "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs!!!"